The Great American Journal
i am lying in bed, with a hot water bottle resting on my stomach. My body is hurting because I am miscarrying. I have three healthy kids and never have knowingly gone through this before, I say knowingly, because it is entirely possible that i have but didn't know it. I had missed my period and have been under enormous amounts of stress that I have so expertly internalized and now I am bearing the fruit of that. It startes with a blackish mucas like plug, last night. I couldn't sleep and finally i let go of this gooey stuff and thought, yay, my period has come, not. I am a hair shy of 40 and really did not welcome the idea of having child number 4, alas, I am not one that can deal with the abortion concept. It is not a judgement for anyone else that makes that choice, I would just have a difficult time, living with that decision. After I found a tampon, I had noticed that only moments later, it had soaked through but not with blood, i had water dripping down my legs. This was unusual. I then put two and two together. I lost my plug and then my water broke and I was having a baby, just 7 months early. I laid in bed with my hot water bottle and faced the cramps/contractions until finally i was able to sleep. I really had no idea what to expect from this situation. I had not wanted to go through parenting one more time but i had come to terms with it, it is what it is and whatever is my path, i will deal. I was not prepared for the emotional aftermath. I was sobbing and felt guilty and selfish for not wanting another child. I was unprepared for the fragility that hasn't really gone. I was kind of hoping that when I got up I would be back to normal, kinf of like I am after the first day of having my period, but this is a different ballgame. I don't feel guilty anymore, I feel numb, tired, uncomfortable but determined to keep moving. It IS what it is and I will make it through.
I am currently in Minnessota for a 5 hour layover before i get to utah to do a gig for tomorrow. The plane ride was brutal and the flight attendents caught on that i was less than well and were very nice and made me tea and tried to make me as comfortable as possible. One had even called me back in the back and told me she had been through a few miscarraiges and was very supportive. I was seated next to my travel angel who after getting off the flight brought me into the Northwest Club so I could have a comfortable place to stay for five hours. I had mentioned in conversation that my dad and i used to wait in there as he was always a member but he had passed away so that was no longer and option. She, without missing a beat, said that she was a member and would make sure I got in and had a comfortable place to stay. So, even in the wake of something seemingly really uncomfortable and emotionally straining, there were little blessings popping up. There are always blessings just have to open our eyes,ears and mouths to recognize them.
I feel like crap today. I have a low grade temp and want to just sleep, but that is not an option, so instead, I will edit some pics from last nights show and move on.
I did phone my doctor while on the runway and she was surprised to here i was on plane, off to a job and suggested I get to a hosptial in utah or at least have a follow up when i return. I mentioned that I didn't have insurance and would have to let nature take it's course. If things get ugly then I will have to go to the doctor and figure out what to do from there, but there is always the chance that nature will balance itself out on it's own and i can not have to deal with D N C's and doctor visits etc... They don't understand, I am SuperBarbee, I have shit to do and will get it done, regardless of the obstacles placed before me. I was born sans sugar daddy, therefore I have to make this life happen.
I really would like to belong to one of these airline clubs, as much as I travel, it sure would make things nicer... but I don't have that kind of extra cash to work with at the moment :)
Here's to brighter moments :)
namaste
4 comments:
Barbee... my thoughts and prayers are with you. I've been through miscarriages myself, and I know how painfull they can be, and I'm not talking about physically. Take care of yourself, and let yourself grieve; it IS normal, and it's necessary for healing. I found that seeting aside some time to just sit in a quiet place and talk to the child who didn't make it helped me tremendously.
thanks EJ
i didn't expect the grieving, although that is silly of course. I was thinking it would be more like a late period and then gone. Well, for those that seek experience, life has an abundance. I am spending my grieving time in an airport with tears running down my face and just trying to get through it. As I have been leaving bits and pieces of my child in toilets round the US, i feel as though it's an improper burial..but hey, since when di I get proper. Thank you a million times infinity for offering words of love. It is difficult, i will make it and it will be ok, right now, i am feeling like sewage...maybe even yuckyier. I have to do my best tomoroow for five hours for the students at Utah Univ. and I want to be all that I can be, I want to give them good, positive connection. I want to not have this moment taint that experience. I do love Utah and if I can possibly do it, I m going to try to drive over to Arches National Park and just sit and cry and BE and take pictures of nature in it's splendor.
Sweety,
I am so sad to hear youre experiencing that. I am with you. I have been through that. The one thing through all the pain and emotional stuff was this moment when I felt some animal connection all all other women who had had this experience. I felt them all with me. I was not alone. And you are not alone either. Be extra good to yourself. Be very careful to not over do, and to find time to rest and honor your body.
I am sending prayers and hugs.
an update:
i went out to this wonderful thai restaurant tonight and had the most fabulous person serve my food. He is from Thailand and was a kind, gentle, loving spirit. He ordered for me as I was feeling indecisive and just off and moody. I had some of the most excellent food I could have hoped for. We spoke briefly about Thailand etc and eventually the conversation turned into a philosophical discussion where i proceeded to spout off my views on how when you give from the heart, because you want to give and not for what the return is..... is when the Universe unfolds unparalleled blessings. I had mentioned how when i used to serve tables, that I enjoyed anticipating people's needs and trying to make their stay an enjoyable one that made it more of an experience rather than just eating food. He had that same
work ethic and we both agreed that it's not worth it to hate what you are doing just for a buck. I then went on to tell him a story about how I had taken my kids out to eat many years ago and didn't have the money to do so but wanted to treat my kids and knew that i needed to leave enough for a tip ,so I was planning what we ordered accordingly. I wanted to make sure that I had enough for a respectable tip. My server came up to me shortly after (the one from years ago) and said my meal had been taken care of, to order what I wanted. Evidently, a nearby table, listening in was so moved by the fact that I didn't have the money to be eating out and was still making sure I had enough to tip the server, that they bought our whole meal. I was aware of none of this but it has been an important lesson for me in life. Give from the heart, out of joy and you will always be provided for beyond your own expectations.
I continued on with my new friend Meechat and we were talking about how life is always full of trials and challenges and they will never cease but how you look at them will and he stopped and looked at me and said, "This has been wonderful meeting you, your perceptions are very deep and I have learned something today." I smiled and said that I believe it is true wisdom when you know there is always something to learn and the epitome of ignorance to assume you know all there is to know. To be alive, to me, means there is more to learn. We hugged one another goodbye as I grabbed my to go baggy and he thanked me again for just being and confirmed again that it had been life altering. It's moments like these when it really drives home to me the fact that in every situation, there are opportunities to give and receive, it's the natural cycle of things.
I am now back at the guest house and the feeling that I left with an all over general malaise, has now been converted to fulfilled purpose and joy.
Now it's time for a bath and then back to the other side of the country :)
Life is magical, I am so glad to have a part in the show :)
xo
namaste
b
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