sepia family

sepia family
Originally uploaded by barbee.

i went to the doctor's office with my friend today while he had this enormous stint pulled out of his penis after having a kidney transplant a couple monyhs ago. He was going to be on a local anesthsia so i was there to drive and what not. While in the waiting room,i noticed the two women that came it and sat down and immediately after looking at their body language it was evident they were related... thus began my in office photoshoot :)
i love this shot :)

power within

Look inside yourself and see where you are you are on the playing field.... difficulty is around you, rise up with your mind, learn to keep balance of play. People are ever seeking to under stand their beliefs and how they are playing this game of life, like foot ball, religion has created teams to attack each other for the prize, the prize is LOVE, embrace what you know, and yes your head is a windmill always circulating information , generating new ideas and perception, ready to change your world to receive and give love. Seeking your need to change you find "niches" and heal on individual levels starting with yourself and those most close in your group of family, then you apply what you know, embrace those who can provide a balance , this will provide the foundation of light that will grow, strong and shoot out it's beams into all direction of darkness
We work together because there is strength in numbers, yet we must also look inside our self and know that we are one of those beams of light and can rely on yourself to be the emissary of love.. love the light in you and what provides for others. Embrace your own beauty that radiates through you body, you can rely on yourself and your spiritual gifts to create your reality, yet your reality is not another's. Guiding Spirit will use others you help you create this reality, the reality of Love, like in war fare, start at the smallest level and yet it slowly devour everyone. Love is all encompassing and by it's nature pierces darkness. Imagine BEING, you're all colors in all dimensions passing through any thing, creating anything, yet with the consciousness of I AM. ONE with every experience of all that have ever been, with all those experiences also having the lessons learned through them, able to be anywhere at any moment and every where at every moment. Piercing through darkness even with the smallest ray, or spark, LIGHT dispells darkness. That is you and That is God, you are apart of that , bring all that you know back to the source of Light. Bringing all you lessons back to The Source, The I Am. You ARE important, your radiance is needed, access that unlimited Love and Light. Filter out negativity of others as The I Am will. With focused intention and Divinely guided action, your dream is a reality. Embrace who you are and bring your LOVE!
Your faith in higher dominion keeps you balanced. you are in the middle of soaring to new heights, balancing work, excitement and fear balancing what you feel and say. Don’t let your faith be torn apart by negativity. Use negativity as a teacher and not a master. Your faith is your sword that can pierce thought of the hardest of any substance. Balance is a dance that will create constant adjustments to keep you balanced in ever present change. It is up to you take all things to Love and stay flexible to change. You must look at every facet of and issue and understand that each facet has its own view. Look at the pros and cons of all things before rendering action of thought. be fair to all aspects of your self. Your body, mind and sprit. All of these need balance to perform in life's dance.

connections

I have been thinking a lot about human relations lately ...thinking of people that have come and gone and the affects of same
in this crazy soup of flavors, when we do make those connections with people, I think "hey we connected, how amazing...let's make it last" but sometimes it doesn't ... sometimes the connection is lost, maybe it will reconnect and maybe not.... that primal code in me wants to control and to feed my ego... "hey! we connected and you have a responsibility to keep it up!!!" ... not.... we can control only our own energy, and sometimes it sucks to have relationships fizzle ... it hurts our ego to feel not needed or important enough to matter to another ... but we should feel that from ourselves
it seems as though relationships or "connections" should be more helpful than hurtful...duh. ... what I mean is we should find our worth from with in and not depend on others to create an identity for us ... then when we connect we can appreciate the time spent with one another and since we are already fulfilled inside when we disconnect we are not depleted of ourselves... I think where this leaves me is... I will continue to give of myself without expecting return, I give because it makes me happy and noone owes me shit ... cuz then it's not a gift it's a loan.... I know that the Universe has got my back and that my needs will be met, so, I am free to give without feeling like I will deplete my resources.... my lesson is to allow to receive, and I think I am learning that... I am learning how to give to me too... I am learning to listen to another's needs so I know better how to give ... sometimes you can keep giving to someone and never meet their needs, so I am seeing that it is important to communicate what our needs are and not expect others to figure it out...
I have also figured out that I am a full on person with good energy but a bit scary to some ... and while I am not intending to scare anyone or hurt them.... I have to remain who I am... I can't be someone else so I can keep people in my life... I have to maintain my level of energy and keep loving even if it scares people off ... the people that get me... will...the people that don't may someday or may never.... and that's OKAY;)

life and our tribes

I have spent so much time in the last months in a mental whirlwind, trying to determine how to live in my craziness. Why do I feel so much emotion and for what purpose must I express myself? would it not be much easier to step in time and follow the beaten path, ease my troubled mind with conformity? Medicate ... follow ... don't ask questions? NO ... this is clearly not my path because in spite of the torment that is constantly present to follow your own way, I still continue on. From birth we breach the veil that separates the super conscious from the conscious and live our life seeking to find our origin and it has always been within ... to some the veil is an iron wall, impenetrable ... to others it is and accessible mist ... yet it is still the same veil, one we must cross when we enter this body and leave .... two words that changed my life when i realized their simplicity and their magnitude... I AM... from the smallest to the greatest...
I AM ... product of my programming ... what i believe has been formed by what I have been taught yet I have the CHOICE to believe differently and question what i have been taught ... perhaps when we are born into our bodies without memories of our own identities, we feel the need to belong and fit and so our journey starts by trying to fit in with our tribes.. so we start on our conformity journey and it is endorsed by those seeking to do the same ... fit ... how and why should we fit into a generic mold when we were specifically designed differently down to our DNA.... if such care was taken to make us unique, should we not explore that uniqueness and work with it instead of trying to compete at being better than another at being someone else, the "right" way ... we spend so much time trying to "fit" and fit this one size fits all mold and lose sight of our own uniqueness and what is like to just BE ... just the fact that I AM is important enough... i have purpose ... that's why I AM still here ... if we could focus on our own beauty, use our own gifts and recognize our own identity, we would be much more effective as a whole ... we are part of Higher Power, God, Collective Consciousness that is Unlimited in Power yet we convince ourselves we are powerless pawns set out to stumble on this gameboard of life ... but what if power is unlimited and neither good or bad but based on your perception of same.... perhaps good and evil are just different frequencies, and our desire to avoid pain leads us to seek higher frequency. we need all levels so we can grow.... pain leads you to seek higher frequency and through this you develop....will you not manifest what you believe ... if i unleash the idea that i am powerless i will indeed manifest this as thoughts are energy...What you create is up to you ... it is linked to the thought behind it, where it leads you, therein lies your lesson ... then you progress or regress....Thought is eternal, manifestation requires you to carry it out... I AM so simple so encompassing, transcending all religion... I AM in a human cloak, for experience of physical life with all it's emotions ... yet not all will choose to accept this notion and that is our choice ... but I ponder ... if we are spirit or energy embodied in flesh...should I still not consist of the Power that I was fashioned from? Am I not the same energy with different clothes? Yet I will still labor on the negative programming.. it is rooted deeply and created much of my mania and circumstance ... when I continue to validate my purpose and uniqueness, I can achieve what I set out to do ... it all lies with in my faith, belief, conviction. Thought is matter ... all matter has it's roots in thought. You can't see air, thought or your soul ... but they are there. you can however, use your vessel to create those thoughts. if your thoughts limit you ... you will be limited.. if they empower you, you will be powerful.... it is difficult to be positive as it goes against what we are taught, yet through faith and hope we feed our spirits to transcend those teachings ... trust in love, trust in purpose ... trust in Yourself..We want so to fit yet we must fit into our own space, not another's ... we can achieve greater goals if we function well as a unique individual that's part of a whole ... each contributing their gifts synergistically ... we each have a part, specifically for us to perform... I used to spend so much time trying to figure out what I was going to be.. what was my purpose? I had to know that slot so I could fit or else I would be failing and lost but now I see that I was there all along, it was to be me and do the very best I could at existing within my skin ... which includes expressing who I am and celebrating my uniqueness.. I AM... I exist... I am complete in that so where I go from there is my choice ... tomorrow is not a guarantee yet provides potential for my growth ... we cannot expect fulfillment if we don't recognize the responsibility to think for ourselves... Positively think for ourselves ... my desire ...now ..., is to start deprogramming what i am not and can't do and to start functioning wholly as ME with undaunted hope, faith and belief in my purpose so i can be a more effective part of the whole; with out belief in myself and a feeling of worth, i cannot function properly in the big picture.. i am affected by life's situations but how i choose to affect another is my own choice ... we are often let down by another and their failure to meet our expectations.. yet i don't believe our expectations should be on another.. why should we expect another to conform to our thought patterns ... should they not arrive when they are ready, if they ever arrive, maybe it's not their path? wouldn't it make sense to work on finding the positive in our situations, to exceed our own expectations for ourselves, which should be limitless ... as I AM, WE ARE...all one, yet no one is exactly the same...so we should work on our own expectations for ourselves as we only have control over our own thoughts and decisions not another's... i won't be let down if i am not placing my wishes for what i think is right on another ... we all have to progress at our own pace... I can offer support and love, yet we are all ultimately responsible for our own growth, thusly endorsing freewill.. we can teach another to communicate but experience has to be lived on our own ... then it becomes you and will aid in your development ... competition and conformity = trying to be better that another at being the same..... creativity and nonconformity = being you as only you can, don't be seduced by another's path... Use the Power accessible to all to achieve your success ... in the beginning there was the Word = thought= consciousness ... and that carried out with conviction and faith= manifestation ... what have you manifested? those have been your thoughts ... even the underlying tiny thoughts are powerful
b

utah rocks

well, the day is done, almost... i am done working.
I couldn't have asked for a better way to get through an otherwise miserable situation. The students were awesome and so thankful for me to be here and just gushing with love and kindness. It was all around pure light energy. Wonderful connection, lots of hugs and thank yous. Nobody breathing down my neck about getting more people done. I stayed well over my call time and then when it was time for me to "just say no" I rolled cones for the students that wanted henna and gave them a quick lesson on how to apply and aftercare sheets so they could draw on each other. Probably gave out 12 oz in free henna. It felt good to make them happy. I was tired and cramping and just couldn't stay and do it any longer but they were really appreciative of what i had to offer. I was appreciative of the student body for being such a healing element :)
it was all good, henna is all good :)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/barbee/sets/961382/

only took a few photos

people were remarking on how steady my hands were and precision etc... i was laughing, as i was really shaking and not steady at all, but to them, it seemed steady. I know it's not my normal chops, but i was happy to be able to apply henna at all. I was pretty nervous that I wouldn't be able to give them my best, but i gave them the best that i could at that moment and it meant the world to them. That is the beautiful thing about energy, you give your best and purest energy and perfection doesn't matter, people are more excited about the connection and remember the moment, now how perfect the design was. yay healing. yay all of you, my beautiful family :)

namaste
barbee
_________________
live, love, BE!

My heart gently weeps

The Great American Journal

i am lying in bed, with a hot water bottle resting on my stomach. My body is hurting because I am miscarrying. I have three healthy kids and never have knowingly gone through this before, I say knowingly, because it is entirely possible that i have but didn't know it. I had missed my period and have been under enormous amounts of stress that I have so expertly internalized and now I am bearing the fruit of that. It startes with a blackish mucas like plug, last night. I couldn't sleep and finally i let go of this gooey stuff and thought, yay, my period has come, not. I am a hair shy of 40 and really did not welcome the idea of having child number 4, alas, I am not one that can deal with the abortion concept. It is not a judgement for anyone else that makes that choice, I would just have a difficult time, living with that decision. After I found a tampon, I had noticed that only moments later, it had soaked through but not with blood, i had water dripping down my legs. This was unusual. I then put two and two together. I lost my plug and then my water broke and I was having a baby, just 7 months early. I laid in bed with my hot water bottle and faced the cramps/contractions until finally i was able to sleep. I really had no idea what to expect from this situation. I had not wanted to go through parenting one more time but i had come to terms with it, it is what it is and whatever is my path, i will deal. I was not prepared for the emotional aftermath. I was sobbing and felt guilty and selfish for not wanting another child. I was unprepared for the fragility that hasn't really gone. I was kind of hoping that when I got up I would be back to normal, kinf of like I am after the first day of having my period, but this is a different ballgame. I don't feel guilty anymore, I feel numb, tired, uncomfortable but determined to keep moving. It IS what it is and I will make it through.
I am currently in Minnessota for a 5 hour layover before i get to utah to do a gig for tomorrow. The plane ride was brutal and the flight attendents caught on that i was less than well and were very nice and made me tea and tried to make me as comfortable as possible. One had even called me back in the back and told me she had been through a few miscarraiges and was very supportive. I was seated next to my travel angel who after getting off the flight brought me into the Northwest Club so I could have a comfortable place to stay for five hours. I had mentioned in conversation that my dad and i used to wait in there as he was always a member but he had passed away so that was no longer and option. She, without missing a beat, said that she was a member and would make sure I got in and had a comfortable place to stay. So, even in the wake of something seemingly really uncomfortable and emotionally straining, there were little blessings popping up. There are always blessings just have to open our eyes,ears and mouths to recognize them.
I feel like crap today. I have a low grade temp and want to just sleep, but that is not an option, so instead, I will edit some pics from last nights show and move on.
I did phone my doctor while on the runway and she was surprised to here i was on plane, off to a job and suggested I get to a hosptial in utah or at least have a follow up when i return. I mentioned that I didn't have insurance and would have to let nature take it's course. If things get ugly then I will have to go to the doctor and figure out what to do from there, but there is always the chance that nature will balance itself out on it's own and i can not have to deal with D N C's and doctor visits etc... They don't understand, I am SuperBarbee, I have shit to do and will get it done, regardless of the obstacles placed before me. I was born sans sugar daddy, therefore I have to make this life happen.
I really would like to belong to one of these airline clubs, as much as I travel, it sure would make things nicer... but I don't have that kind of extra cash to work with at the moment :)

Here's to brighter moments :)
namaste

too cute to cry

On Friday, May 30, 2003, at 07:15 AM, barbee wrote:



picture this.... a bald chick with henna tattoos all over her head, plaid shorts and a white baby tee with "heartbreakers" on the front, biking in the rain with a big box so intricately woven to the back (AKA rigged like a mutha) dodging monster trucks and SUVs that don't want to yield cuz they might spill their coffee or have to end that phone call or worse turn of the TV ... but nay i force on with my trusty steed (AKA archaic Fuji) and we will go through rain, sleet, hail or snow to get the clients emergency overnight henna to them STAT!
it's OK that my ancient jeep has rolled over and breathed it's last breath this blood courses with determination and my will is made of concrete ... yes the major highways and industrial roads offer some challenge but i laugh in the face of danger and besides this week i am too cute to cry ;)
xo
b

House checked, zero dead

House checked, zero dead
Originally uploaded by Tampen.

what an image, what a job

meet the artist

meet the artist
Originally uploaded by barbee.

my interview for orlando city beat came out today.
it was nicely done.
it is nice when positive news makes it and when people care enough about what other people are doing and write about it and read it, connection is nice.

don't tell me nonsense

on someone questioning your worth based on their perception of what is valuable.....
it doesn't matter, to me.... whether or not i make sense to you ...whether you understand my life or purpose .... i know who i am, what i have to offer...and how i relate to my community.... i know how i relate, by communication..... regardless... we all have our own perceptions and our own lessons..which cannot be confused with another's

valley of dehydration

valley of dehydration
Originally uploaded by barbee.

I had just driven all night while the rest of the fam tried to catch some winks in the car and we arrived at the petrified forest right as it opened. I reall had no idea what to expect. I did have a few small petrified logs at home and knew what that meant, but I was not prepared for what i was to see. I somehow was expecting a forest of standing trees that where petrifed, and by that no.... i don'tmean afraid!:)
what I saw was mind boggling, we wandered around as the morning sun glared on the bright, reflective surface. e ground was so hot, that the asphalt had melted under the car tires. The park was huge! it consisted of vast desert, the "badlands" and miles and miles of petrified wood. The wood has actually turned to stone and you can view so many levels of color. The mountains had covered forests and buried them and as they lay hidden from the outside world, they fossilized and actually crystalized and turned to glorious shades of stone. As the mountains erode they would yeild gifts of stone that would roll down the mountain and split open to show it's slpendor. On the top of the mountains, you can see into the painted desert and seea pleete of outrageous colors. I went down in the basin of the mountains and there felt this overwhlming sense of being surrounded. It's wasn't a bad feeling but more of a feeling of the ancients in the misdt. I simply could not get enough photographs and was running around taking pictures as fast as I could. It soon dawned on me that I was fully clothed in a jacket and hat, as I was pretty sunburned and didn't want to have blisters, and that I was alone. I was ok with that but the fact that I was running and didn't have any water with me, I started to come to my current reality and that was, I was WAY dehydrated and had a long way to go to get back up to the car. I heard voices but no people were there, I felt conversations from the mountains surrounding me. I told myself that regardless of the fact my heart was racing, I was overheated and dehydrated, I simply had to make it back. I started to slow down and focus on my breathing and set my will and determination on destination, CAR! When I did return, nobody in my family knew what was going on with me and Scotty came up to meet me and I literally could not speak, just breathe. I got back to the freestar and ripped off my coverings and poured bottles of cold water on my head and started driking like an enormous dried sponge in a rainstorm. When I finally regained my strength and voice I had to laugh at myself. I was invincable! runniong in the desert???? who the??? what the??? i was a bad ass in the bad lands ;)
well, until i almost passed out. I learned to always have water after that and not be fooled by the dry desert heat, it will sneak up, even on super heros!

found this today

=(
Originally uploaded by Umm_ELdwais.

saaw this photo and just had to save it, sometimes, the why needs to be figured out... sometimes the why will unfold into a story of lessons available for everyone to learn from, who will accept that call, who will ask questions deep within themselves and find out what they must learn, who will step aside from their ego and know there is always more to learn and more chances to evolve? i can be that who.

us

us
Originally uploaded by Rosie O'Donnell.

what an amazing shot of two people with very strong dynamic, and free spirit
namaste you two :)
barbee