Monday, May 22, 2006
Saturday, February 11, 2006
size matters glass is my friend
June 12th 2005 (original post)
Still in Forth worth heading for the zoo, our Texas stay has been quite the long one so far. I am anticipating leaving despite the fact that I adore Amy and Brian and their kids. Christian is having fun playing with some kids his own age as well. They are just the coolest of people! Nonetheless I am getting ancy about heading west. It is a strange feeling to be out of civilization en mass, a tighter bond is created with your present community (family) and you tend to be prone to be happy together. I am happy with my family no matter where we are but when all the obstacles of society are removed, the TV, the radio…all of what modern technology has for us to “keep connected” you tend to cleave to one another for enjoyment. Those advances in our technological world tend to serve as distractions and separate us. The ability to just BE is much harder and the desire to DO is much stronger.
Later…
We left the zoo and just ate at Macaroni Grille. We had a wonderful meal and now we are all stuffed. The kids had some gift certificates that their dad had given them so it made eating for 5 and getting stuffed affordable…still on this blasted budget J We all were ridiculously hungry and thirsty after 1 ½ hours at the zoo. It is very hot in mid day Texas; I seriously wouldn’t doubt the potential of frying an egg on the pavement. I did get a lot of nice pics of the animals panting. They were so obviously hot. In one respect, it is awesome to have the wild so attainable and up close and safe from being in harms way. I was viewing the white Bengal tigers through the heavy Plexiglas, actually I was coming around the corner and saw the two tigers from a distance hanging out with one another. In something I would describe as a split second, one tiger had spotted me and came lunging toward the window. A moment ago it was wayyyy over there, the next, it was right in my face. I didn’t get the feeling that it was coming over to say “hi” or get it’s picture taken, this was a predatory lunge. I was saying my thanks to the wonders of thick Plexiglas or whatever separated me from emanate doom. I wasn’t freaked about it, just noted that this tiger was operating on an instinct… it saw me through the clear glass and was going for it. I am glad it still had that instinct and hadn’t been completely jaded to the zoo experience. Although having the “wild” so attainable it does sadden me that we have plagued the earth with such fervor that it’s other inhabitants have to live behind restrictive barriers and their natural ways altered for our convenience…. very similar to how we treated the Native Americans. It was bizarre to see the same inhabitants in the zoo that we did in the wild. I actually killed a baby scorpion that was crawling on Scotty’s collar, sorry fella… we don’t need no stinking scorpion bites and you were heading for the neck… R.I.P…. It seems we have been in Texas forever and yet is has been a week +. It is so incredibly large. the first day we headed out, we were in four states and now we are in Texas a week has flown by. It’s 106 degrees and it’s 7 pm, it was probably 120 degrees earlier today. We are heading to New Mexico tonight. Christian has befriended Amy and Brian’s kids and one of them is 8, as he is, and they have very similar personalities… they have dubbed one another as twins, interestingly enough Amy and I feel the same about each other.. who knew? We just pulled off the most phenomenal shoot of the four elements. It is another milestone achievement that I feel wicked cool about! For the record, Texas IS the land of donuts! I have never, in my life seen so many donut shops… kind of like coffee shops in Seattle!
for more pics go here
http://www.flickr.com/photos/barbee/sets/637921/
Still in Forth worth heading for the zoo, our Texas stay has been quite the long one so far. I am anticipating leaving despite the fact that I adore Amy and Brian and their kids. Christian is having fun playing with some kids his own age as well. They are just the coolest of people! Nonetheless I am getting ancy about heading west. It is a strange feeling to be out of civilization en mass, a tighter bond is created with your present community (family) and you tend to be prone to be happy together. I am happy with my family no matter where we are but when all the obstacles of society are removed, the TV, the radio…all of what modern technology has for us to “keep connected” you tend to cleave to one another for enjoyment. Those advances in our technological world tend to serve as distractions and separate us. The ability to just BE is much harder and the desire to DO is much stronger.
Later…
We left the zoo and just ate at Macaroni Grille. We had a wonderful meal and now we are all stuffed. The kids had some gift certificates that their dad had given them so it made eating for 5 and getting stuffed affordable…still on this blasted budget J We all were ridiculously hungry and thirsty after 1 ½ hours at the zoo. It is very hot in mid day Texas; I seriously wouldn’t doubt the potential of frying an egg on the pavement. I did get a lot of nice pics of the animals panting. They were so obviously hot. In one respect, it is awesome to have the wild so attainable and up close and safe from being in harms way. I was viewing the white Bengal tigers through the heavy Plexiglas, actually I was coming around the corner and saw the two tigers from a distance hanging out with one another. In something I would describe as a split second, one tiger had spotted me and came lunging toward the window. A moment ago it was wayyyy over there, the next, it was right in my face. I didn’t get the feeling that it was coming over to say “hi” or get it’s picture taken, this was a predatory lunge. I was saying my thanks to the wonders of thick Plexiglas or whatever separated me from emanate doom. I wasn’t freaked about it, just noted that this tiger was operating on an instinct… it saw me through the clear glass and was going for it. I am glad it still had that instinct and hadn’t been completely jaded to the zoo experience. Although having the “wild” so attainable it does sadden me that we have plagued the earth with such fervor that it’s other inhabitants have to live behind restrictive barriers and their natural ways altered for our convenience…. very similar to how we treated the Native Americans. It was bizarre to see the same inhabitants in the zoo that we did in the wild. I actually killed a baby scorpion that was crawling on Scotty’s collar, sorry fella… we don’t need no stinking scorpion bites and you were heading for the neck… R.I.P…. It seems we have been in Texas forever and yet is has been a week +. It is so incredibly large. the first day we headed out, we were in four states and now we are in Texas a week has flown by. It’s 106 degrees and it’s 7 pm, it was probably 120 degrees earlier today. We are heading to New Mexico tonight. Christian has befriended Amy and Brian’s kids and one of them is 8, as he is, and they have very similar personalities… they have dubbed one another as twins, interestingly enough Amy and I feel the same about each other.. who knew? We just pulled off the most phenomenal shoot of the four elements. It is another milestone achievement that I feel wicked cool about! For the record, Texas IS the land of donuts! I have never, in my life seen so many donut shops… kind of like coffee shops in Seattle!
for more pics go here
http://www.flickr.com/photos/barbee/sets/637921/
Ego let God out of the box
Ego is our teacher, without it we have no limitations… without limitations, all things are possible. Ego is necessary to teach us worth, value and uniqueness. However, if we decide to offset our strive for the balance of polarities then we will not learn what is needed to learn from our teacher. Look at the patterns we keep creating or “the things that keep happening to us” whether we create them or they just keep showing up, when you take notice, you can find out what each situation hold for you to extract the marrow. When there is an absence of limitation, all things exist as ONE. It is God, out of the box. We try and constrain that concept, yet I AM … IS… no exclusions. SO ego is here to serve us yet if we serve it, we offset the balance… more pain… more suffering,until… you get it.
The great american journey :)
Original date:
June 10th, 2005
After many mini dramas and obstacles we left at @ 1 am and entered Panama City Florida @ 8 am. We did however gain an hour and couldn't get in to Falling Waters park for another hour. The park was home of Florida's largest waterfall. Evidently it was quite large but we didn’t stay long enough to see what it really had to offer. I believe that at least half the crew had anticipation about this journey and a Florida park with mosquitoes and pine trees wasn't holding much excitement. When we started this trip I proclaimed that the only "plan" was to be in Dallas by the 10th for the shoot. That was my only obligation. I wanted to be able to just go with the flow and see where it took us, be open to all possibilities. An interesting observation with this concept is that everyone still has their own expectations and understandings about what's going on and what they want to do. The most vocal usually wins out and that usually leaves the least vocal, irritated or cheated. We are all ( 5people) learning important lessons in communication. We are learning how to assert what we want to do and listen to another's desires as well, then come up with a democratic solution which still requires a certain amount of sacrifice somewhere along the way. Democracy is not always the best solution when all people are not voting. We traveled four states in less than 24 hours: Florida, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. We breezed through the French Quarter, bought some post cards, took pictures and then went to Baton Rouge and camped in Tickfaw State Park. We were set up about an hour and already eating dinner. I had driven most of the early part of the trip, through the night and early Am. Night driving is more my bag and I had my ADHD med to keep me focused and not in my own little lala land. Yet, when we finally settled at the end of 24 hours and I had not slept or eaten, I was in meltdown mode. My heart was racing, my body was pissed off at the misuse and the message was clear "EAT AND PARK YOUR BUTT ON THE COT AND TAP A NAP!" Eventually I leveled out and I was listening to all the frogs signing... and I was telling Heather how cool it was to drive through huge fields of fireflies... when Scotty came in to the tent to get us. He insisted that we come outside and escorted us into the black forest canopy and it was aglow with sparkling lights like a well strung Christmas tree. To me, it seemed as if I was in a magical forest or a scene from Ferngully and fairies were converging everywhere! There were also occasional flashes of lightening to further increase the dramatic effect. Pinpoints of light would pop in and out of existence and the sky would flash. We got up and grabbed a bite to eat at our campfire and headed to Lafayette. Once there, we ate @ Prejeans and had the traditional Cajun Cuisine which was sumptuous. We sat in the car trying to plot out our next adventure. The deal is... it's great to be in the moment and just go but we have a SUPER limited budget, so little things like "where do we sleep" are things to consider. Still have not gotten our IRS return and waiting on a check from a henna client. W/O those monies, it makes it much more of a challenge to be spontaneous. We have had a few moments of frustrating communication failure, but looking at the whole picture, I think we are all happy to be where we are. We all feel fortunate to have the opportunity and love one another. We are driving in a Ford freestar together for two months and that... in itself is quite a challenge, one that we are all up to tackle. It's all good. I am enjoying being with my family, seeing new sights and gaining new experience!
June 10th, 2005
After many mini dramas and obstacles we left at @ 1 am and entered Panama City Florida @ 8 am. We did however gain an hour and couldn't get in to Falling Waters park for another hour. The park was home of Florida's largest waterfall. Evidently it was quite large but we didn’t stay long enough to see what it really had to offer. I believe that at least half the crew had anticipation about this journey and a Florida park with mosquitoes and pine trees wasn't holding much excitement. When we started this trip I proclaimed that the only "plan" was to be in Dallas by the 10th for the shoot. That was my only obligation. I wanted to be able to just go with the flow and see where it took us, be open to all possibilities. An interesting observation with this concept is that everyone still has their own expectations and understandings about what's going on and what they want to do. The most vocal usually wins out and that usually leaves the least vocal, irritated or cheated. We are all ( 5people) learning important lessons in communication. We are learning how to assert what we want to do and listen to another's desires as well, then come up with a democratic solution which still requires a certain amount of sacrifice somewhere along the way. Democracy is not always the best solution when all people are not voting. We traveled four states in less than 24 hours: Florida, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. We breezed through the French Quarter, bought some post cards, took pictures and then went to Baton Rouge and camped in Tickfaw State Park. We were set up about an hour and already eating dinner. I had driven most of the early part of the trip, through the night and early Am. Night driving is more my bag and I had my ADHD med to keep me focused and not in my own little lala land. Yet, when we finally settled at the end of 24 hours and I had not slept or eaten, I was in meltdown mode. My heart was racing, my body was pissed off at the misuse and the message was clear "EAT AND PARK YOUR BUTT ON THE COT AND TAP A NAP!" Eventually I leveled out and I was listening to all the frogs signing... and I was telling Heather how cool it was to drive through huge fields of fireflies... when Scotty came in to the tent to get us. He insisted that we come outside and escorted us into the black forest canopy and it was aglow with sparkling lights like a well strung Christmas tree. To me, it seemed as if I was in a magical forest or a scene from Ferngully and fairies were converging everywhere! There were also occasional flashes of lightening to further increase the dramatic effect. Pinpoints of light would pop in and out of existence and the sky would flash. We got up and grabbed a bite to eat at our campfire and headed to Lafayette. Once there, we ate @ Prejeans and had the traditional Cajun Cuisine which was sumptuous. We sat in the car trying to plot out our next adventure. The deal is... it's great to be in the moment and just go but we have a SUPER limited budget, so little things like "where do we sleep" are things to consider. Still have not gotten our IRS return and waiting on a check from a henna client. W/O those monies, it makes it much more of a challenge to be spontaneous. We have had a few moments of frustrating communication failure, but looking at the whole picture, I think we are all happy to be where we are. We all feel fortunate to have the opportunity and love one another. We are driving in a Ford freestar together for two months and that... in itself is quite a challenge, one that we are all up to tackle. It's all good. I am enjoying being with my family, seeing new sights and gaining new experience!
Monday, January 16, 2006
eye spy with my piggy tail
i hennaed my hair and now i am one step away from nappy hair girl
i am am red head, sprite vixen girl :)
i am am red head, sprite vixen girl :)
Thursday, November 03, 2005
alex angel
i took a picture of alex at my show and this angel just happened to be right in his profile, imagine that ;)
Friday, October 28, 2005
it's a dark day....
in the world of my laptop... it has fried...sizzed and it is a dark day. I would say about 100% of my computer work is on that laptop and now it has left me... i don't know if it has been at the hands of an evil virus or it just plain died but it will be missed and i am lost....aint no money in the till for a new one quite yet :(
come on Universe....MAINIFEST!!!! :)
come on Universe....MAINIFEST!!!! :)
Monday, October 24, 2005
table of contents
i went out to fridays with my supertwin poopie head to and could not find my id for anything!... because it wasn't in there :)
but i dumped my whole bag on the table to try and find it and finally the waitress decided i had invested enough effort to get my drink. i was laughing so hard that there was even a question about my age! too silly, but sweet... still can't find the id but i did find a filter i had been looking for!!! yay for margaritas and fridays and finding my filter!
but i dumped my whole bag on the table to try and find it and finally the waitress decided i had invested enough effort to get my drink. i was laughing so hard that there was even a question about my age! too silly, but sweet... still can't find the id but i did find a filter i had been looking for!!! yay for margaritas and fridays and finding my filter!
swoop
i am in an art show, showing some of my photos
Rollins College proudly Presents the Halloween Art Show:
"Cloaked"
Cornell Campus Center
Darden Lounge
Friday,October 28th
7:00-9:30pm
Music by DJ Professor Killjoy
Free Food
Come in costume!
Rollins College proudly Presents the Halloween Art Show:
"Cloaked"
Cornell Campus Center
Darden Lounge
Friday,October 28th
7:00-9:30pm
Music by DJ Professor Killjoy
Free Food
Come in costume!
i recommend
This is probably one of the nicest letters of recommendation I have received
these type of things just make me all mushy inside and make me feel like despite the frustrastions i encounter in life, I am doing something right :)
dear readers, friends of barbee, and friends of the henna world ...
i've known barbee for about a year and a half now - our two year "anniversary" will be in march. our work relationship started the day hired barbee as the official henna artist of mtvU Spring Break 2004. our friendship began that same day as she greeted me with not a "how-do-ya-do-and-shake-hands" but with big hug and a bigger heart.
professionally speaking ...
i work at a marketing & media company in the events department. barbee has worked for me & my company a great deal over the past couple years since our first spring break together. whether we need an artist to do henna on the beach for college students on spring break or we need someone to travel for three months to do henna on teenagers on a nationwide mall tour, barbee is the artist that i think of. barbee is an amazing henna artist. i've seen & gotten other henna done on myself and barbee just rocks the world of henna. no one can hold a candle to barbee. there are two things about barbee and her henna that absolutely amazes me. 1) barbee makes her own henna. it's the best i've ever experienced. it's the longest lasting henna i've ever experienced too. 2) if you watch barbee when she's in her 'henna zone' you'll notice that she never does the same design twice. her originality amazes me. she is truly the best henna artist out there --- i have no doubt in my mind.
personally speaking ...
barbee is one of the most phenomenal human beings i've been lucky enough to meet. her uniqueness, her dazzling personality, her undying love for all her friends, her generosity to people she's meeting for the first time, her endless talents, her sparkle, her pizazz, her spunk ... i consider it an honor to be a part of barbee's life & world and consider it an honor that she is a part of mine. i don't think i'd be the same person i am today if i had never met barbee cain.
peace & love ,
-m-
these type of things just make me all mushy inside and make me feel like despite the frustrastions i encounter in life, I am doing something right :)
dear readers, friends of barbee, and friends of the henna world ...
i've known barbee for about a year and a half now - our two year "anniversary" will be in march. our work relationship started the day hired barbee as the official henna artist of mtvU Spring Break 2004. our friendship began that same day as she greeted me with not a "how-do-ya-do-and-shake-hands" but with big hug and a bigger heart.
professionally speaking ...
i work at a marketing & media company in the events department. barbee has worked for me & my company a great deal over the past couple years since our first spring break together. whether we need an artist to do henna on the beach for college students on spring break or we need someone to travel for three months to do henna on teenagers on a nationwide mall tour, barbee is the artist that i think of. barbee is an amazing henna artist. i've seen & gotten other henna done on myself and barbee just rocks the world of henna. no one can hold a candle to barbee. there are two things about barbee and her henna that absolutely amazes me. 1) barbee makes her own henna. it's the best i've ever experienced. it's the longest lasting henna i've ever experienced too. 2) if you watch barbee when she's in her 'henna zone' you'll notice that she never does the same design twice. her originality amazes me. she is truly the best henna artist out there --- i have no doubt in my mind.
personally speaking ...
barbee is one of the most phenomenal human beings i've been lucky enough to meet. her uniqueness, her dazzling personality, her undying love for all her friends, her generosity to people she's meeting for the first time, her endless talents, her sparkle, her pizazz, her spunk ... i consider it an honor to be a part of barbee's life & world and consider it an honor that she is a part of mine. i don't think i'd be the same person i am today if i had never met barbee cain.
peace & love ,
-m-
Saturday, September 24, 2005
sepia family
i went to the doctor's office with my friend today while he had this enormous stint pulled out of his penis after having a kidney transplant a couple monyhs ago. He was going to be on a local anesthsia so i was there to drive and what not. While in the waiting room,i noticed the two women that came it and sat down and immediately after looking at their body language it was evident they were related... thus began my in office photoshoot :)
i love this shot :)
i love this shot :)
Monday, September 19, 2005
power within
Look inside yourself and see where you are you are on the playing field.... difficulty is around you, rise up with your mind, learn to keep balance of play. People are ever seeking to under stand their beliefs and how they are playing this game of life, like foot ball, religion has created teams to attack each other for the prize, the prize is LOVE, embrace what you know, and yes your head is a windmill always circulating information , generating new ideas and perception, ready to change your world to receive and give love. Seeking your need to change you find "niches" and heal on individual levels starting with yourself and those most close in your group of family, then you apply what you know, embrace those who can provide a balance , this will provide the foundation of light that will grow, strong and shoot out it's beams into all direction of darkness
We work together because there is strength in numbers, yet we must also look inside our self and know that we are one of those beams of light and can rely on yourself to be the emissary of love.. love the light in you and what provides for others. Embrace your own beauty that radiates through you body, you can rely on yourself and your spiritual gifts to create your reality, yet your reality is not another's. Guiding Spirit will use others you help you create this reality, the reality of Love, like in war fare, start at the smallest level and yet it slowly devour everyone. Love is all encompassing and by it's nature pierces darkness. Imagine BEING, you're all colors in all dimensions passing through any thing, creating anything, yet with the consciousness of I AM. ONE with every experience of all that have ever been, with all those experiences also having the lessons learned through them, able to be anywhere at any moment and every where at every moment. Piercing through darkness even with the smallest ray, or spark, LIGHT dispells darkness. That is you and That is God, you are apart of that , bring all that you know back to the source of Light. Bringing all you lessons back to The Source, The I Am. You ARE important, your radiance is needed, access that unlimited Love and Light. Filter out negativity of others as The I Am will. With focused intention and Divinely guided action, your dream is a reality. Embrace who you are and bring your LOVE!
Your faith in higher dominion keeps you balanced. you are in the middle of soaring to new heights, balancing work, excitement and fear balancing what you feel and say. Don’t let your faith be torn apart by negativity. Use negativity as a teacher and not a master. Your faith is your sword that can pierce thought of the hardest of any substance. Balance is a dance that will create constant adjustments to keep you balanced in ever present change. It is up to you take all things to Love and stay flexible to change. You must look at every facet of and issue and understand that each facet has its own view. Look at the pros and cons of all things before rendering action of thought. be fair to all aspects of your self. Your body, mind and sprit. All of these need balance to perform in life's dance.
We work together because there is strength in numbers, yet we must also look inside our self and know that we are one of those beams of light and can rely on yourself to be the emissary of love.. love the light in you and what provides for others. Embrace your own beauty that radiates through you body, you can rely on yourself and your spiritual gifts to create your reality, yet your reality is not another's. Guiding Spirit will use others you help you create this reality, the reality of Love, like in war fare, start at the smallest level and yet it slowly devour everyone. Love is all encompassing and by it's nature pierces darkness. Imagine BEING, you're all colors in all dimensions passing through any thing, creating anything, yet with the consciousness of I AM. ONE with every experience of all that have ever been, with all those experiences also having the lessons learned through them, able to be anywhere at any moment and every where at every moment. Piercing through darkness even with the smallest ray, or spark, LIGHT dispells darkness. That is you and That is God, you are apart of that , bring all that you know back to the source of Light. Bringing all you lessons back to The Source, The I Am. You ARE important, your radiance is needed, access that unlimited Love and Light. Filter out negativity of others as The I Am will. With focused intention and Divinely guided action, your dream is a reality. Embrace who you are and bring your LOVE!
Your faith in higher dominion keeps you balanced. you are in the middle of soaring to new heights, balancing work, excitement and fear balancing what you feel and say. Don’t let your faith be torn apart by negativity. Use negativity as a teacher and not a master. Your faith is your sword that can pierce thought of the hardest of any substance. Balance is a dance that will create constant adjustments to keep you balanced in ever present change. It is up to you take all things to Love and stay flexible to change. You must look at every facet of and issue and understand that each facet has its own view. Look at the pros and cons of all things before rendering action of thought. be fair to all aspects of your self. Your body, mind and sprit. All of these need balance to perform in life's dance.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
connections
I have been thinking a lot about human relations lately ...thinking of people that have come and gone and the affects of same
in this crazy soup of flavors, when we do make those connections with people, I think "hey we connected, how amazing...let's make it last" but sometimes it doesn't ... sometimes the connection is lost, maybe it will reconnect and maybe not.... that primal code in me wants to control and to feed my ego... "hey! we connected and you have a responsibility to keep it up!!!" ... not.... we can control only our own energy, and sometimes it sucks to have relationships fizzle ... it hurts our ego to feel not needed or important enough to matter to another ... but we should feel that from ourselves
it seems as though relationships or "connections" should be more helpful than hurtful...duh. ... what I mean is we should find our worth from with in and not depend on others to create an identity for us ... then when we connect we can appreciate the time spent with one another and since we are already fulfilled inside when we disconnect we are not depleted of ourselves... I think where this leaves me is... I will continue to give of myself without expecting return, I give because it makes me happy and noone owes me shit ... cuz then it's not a gift it's a loan.... I know that the Universe has got my back and that my needs will be met, so, I am free to give without feeling like I will deplete my resources.... my lesson is to allow to receive, and I think I am learning that... I am learning how to give to me too... I am learning to listen to another's needs so I know better how to give ... sometimes you can keep giving to someone and never meet their needs, so I am seeing that it is important to communicate what our needs are and not expect others to figure it out...
I have also figured out that I am a full on person with good energy but a bit scary to some ... and while I am not intending to scare anyone or hurt them.... I have to remain who I am... I can't be someone else so I can keep people in my life... I have to maintain my level of energy and keep loving even if it scares people off ... the people that get me... will...the people that don't may someday or may never.... and that's OKAY;)
in this crazy soup of flavors, when we do make those connections with people, I think "hey we connected, how amazing...let's make it last" but sometimes it doesn't ... sometimes the connection is lost, maybe it will reconnect and maybe not.... that primal code in me wants to control and to feed my ego... "hey! we connected and you have a responsibility to keep it up!!!" ... not.... we can control only our own energy, and sometimes it sucks to have relationships fizzle ... it hurts our ego to feel not needed or important enough to matter to another ... but we should feel that from ourselves
it seems as though relationships or "connections" should be more helpful than hurtful...duh. ... what I mean is we should find our worth from with in and not depend on others to create an identity for us ... then when we connect we can appreciate the time spent with one another and since we are already fulfilled inside when we disconnect we are not depleted of ourselves... I think where this leaves me is... I will continue to give of myself without expecting return, I give because it makes me happy and noone owes me shit ... cuz then it's not a gift it's a loan.... I know that the Universe has got my back and that my needs will be met, so, I am free to give without feeling like I will deplete my resources.... my lesson is to allow to receive, and I think I am learning that... I am learning how to give to me too... I am learning to listen to another's needs so I know better how to give ... sometimes you can keep giving to someone and never meet their needs, so I am seeing that it is important to communicate what our needs are and not expect others to figure it out...
I have also figured out that I am a full on person with good energy but a bit scary to some ... and while I am not intending to scare anyone or hurt them.... I have to remain who I am... I can't be someone else so I can keep people in my life... I have to maintain my level of energy and keep loving even if it scares people off ... the people that get me... will...the people that don't may someday or may never.... and that's OKAY;)
Saturday, September 17, 2005
life and our tribes
I have spent so much time in the last months in a mental whirlwind, trying to determine how to live in my craziness. Why do I feel so much emotion and for what purpose must I express myself? would it not be much easier to step in time and follow the beaten path, ease my troubled mind with conformity? Medicate ... follow ... don't ask questions? NO ... this is clearly not my path because in spite of the torment that is constantly present to follow your own way, I still continue on. From birth we breach the veil that separates the super conscious from the conscious and live our life seeking to find our origin and it has always been within ... to some the veil is an iron wall, impenetrable ... to others it is and accessible mist ... yet it is still the same veil, one we must cross when we enter this body and leave .... two words that changed my life when i realized their simplicity and their magnitude... I AM... from the smallest to the greatest...
I AM ... product of my programming ... what i believe has been formed by what I have been taught yet I have the CHOICE to believe differently and question what i have been taught ... perhaps when we are born into our bodies without memories of our own identities, we feel the need to belong and fit and so our journey starts by trying to fit in with our tribes.. so we start on our conformity journey and it is endorsed by those seeking to do the same ... fit ... how and why should we fit into a generic mold when we were specifically designed differently down to our DNA.... if such care was taken to make us unique, should we not explore that uniqueness and work with it instead of trying to compete at being better than another at being someone else, the "right" way ... we spend so much time trying to "fit" and fit this one size fits all mold and lose sight of our own uniqueness and what is like to just BE ... just the fact that I AM is important enough... i have purpose ... that's why I AM still here ... if we could focus on our own beauty, use our own gifts and recognize our own identity, we would be much more effective as a whole ... we are part of Higher Power, God, Collective Consciousness that is Unlimited in Power yet we convince ourselves we are powerless pawns set out to stumble on this gameboard of life ... but what if power is unlimited and neither good or bad but based on your perception of same.... perhaps good and evil are just different frequencies, and our desire to avoid pain leads us to seek higher frequency. we need all levels so we can grow.... pain leads you to seek higher frequency and through this you develop....will you not manifest what you believe ... if i unleash the idea that i am powerless i will indeed manifest this as thoughts are energy...What you create is up to you ... it is linked to the thought behind it, where it leads you, therein lies your lesson ... then you progress or regress....Thought is eternal, manifestation requires you to carry it out... I AM so simple so encompassing, transcending all religion... I AM in a human cloak, for experience of physical life with all it's emotions ... yet not all will choose to accept this notion and that is our choice ... but I ponder ... if we are spirit or energy embodied in flesh...should I still not consist of the Power that I was fashioned from? Am I not the same energy with different clothes? Yet I will still labor on the negative programming.. it is rooted deeply and created much of my mania and circumstance ... when I continue to validate my purpose and uniqueness, I can achieve what I set out to do ... it all lies with in my faith, belief, conviction. Thought is matter ... all matter has it's roots in thought. You can't see air, thought or your soul ... but they are there. you can however, use your vessel to create those thoughts. if your thoughts limit you ... you will be limited.. if they empower you, you will be powerful.... it is difficult to be positive as it goes against what we are taught, yet through faith and hope we feed our spirits to transcend those teachings ... trust in love, trust in purpose ... trust in Yourself..We want so to fit yet we must fit into our own space, not another's ... we can achieve greater goals if we function well as a unique individual that's part of a whole ... each contributing their gifts synergistically ... we each have a part, specifically for us to perform... I used to spend so much time trying to figure out what I was going to be.. what was my purpose? I had to know that slot so I could fit or else I would be failing and lost but now I see that I was there all along, it was to be me and do the very best I could at existing within my skin ... which includes expressing who I am and celebrating my uniqueness.. I AM... I exist... I am complete in that so where I go from there is my choice ... tomorrow is not a guarantee yet provides potential for my growth ... we cannot expect fulfillment if we don't recognize the responsibility to think for ourselves... Positively think for ourselves ... my desire ...now ..., is to start deprogramming what i am not and can't do and to start functioning wholly as ME with undaunted hope, faith and belief in my purpose so i can be a more effective part of the whole; with out belief in myself and a feeling of worth, i cannot function properly in the big picture.. i am affected by life's situations but how i choose to affect another is my own choice ... we are often let down by another and their failure to meet our expectations.. yet i don't believe our expectations should be on another.. why should we expect another to conform to our thought patterns ... should they not arrive when they are ready, if they ever arrive, maybe it's not their path? wouldn't it make sense to work on finding the positive in our situations, to exceed our own expectations for ourselves, which should be limitless ... as I AM, WE ARE...all one, yet no one is exactly the same...so we should work on our own expectations for ourselves as we only have control over our own thoughts and decisions not another's... i won't be let down if i am not placing my wishes for what i think is right on another ... we all have to progress at our own pace... I can offer support and love, yet we are all ultimately responsible for our own growth, thusly endorsing freewill.. we can teach another to communicate but experience has to be lived on our own ... then it becomes you and will aid in your development ... competition and conformity = trying to be better that another at being the same..... creativity and nonconformity = being you as only you can, don't be seduced by another's path... Use the Power accessible to all to achieve your success ... in the beginning there was the Word = thought= consciousness ... and that carried out with conviction and faith= manifestation ... what have you manifested? those have been your thoughts ... even the underlying tiny thoughts are powerful
b
I AM ... product of my programming ... what i believe has been formed by what I have been taught yet I have the CHOICE to believe differently and question what i have been taught ... perhaps when we are born into our bodies without memories of our own identities, we feel the need to belong and fit and so our journey starts by trying to fit in with our tribes.. so we start on our conformity journey and it is endorsed by those seeking to do the same ... fit ... how and why should we fit into a generic mold when we were specifically designed differently down to our DNA.... if such care was taken to make us unique, should we not explore that uniqueness and work with it instead of trying to compete at being better than another at being someone else, the "right" way ... we spend so much time trying to "fit" and fit this one size fits all mold and lose sight of our own uniqueness and what is like to just BE ... just the fact that I AM is important enough... i have purpose ... that's why I AM still here ... if we could focus on our own beauty, use our own gifts and recognize our own identity, we would be much more effective as a whole ... we are part of Higher Power, God, Collective Consciousness that is Unlimited in Power yet we convince ourselves we are powerless pawns set out to stumble on this gameboard of life ... but what if power is unlimited and neither good or bad but based on your perception of same.... perhaps good and evil are just different frequencies, and our desire to avoid pain leads us to seek higher frequency. we need all levels so we can grow.... pain leads you to seek higher frequency and through this you develop....will you not manifest what you believe ... if i unleash the idea that i am powerless i will indeed manifest this as thoughts are energy...What you create is up to you ... it is linked to the thought behind it, where it leads you, therein lies your lesson ... then you progress or regress....Thought is eternal, manifestation requires you to carry it out... I AM so simple so encompassing, transcending all religion... I AM in a human cloak, for experience of physical life with all it's emotions ... yet not all will choose to accept this notion and that is our choice ... but I ponder ... if we are spirit or energy embodied in flesh...should I still not consist of the Power that I was fashioned from? Am I not the same energy with different clothes? Yet I will still labor on the negative programming.. it is rooted deeply and created much of my mania and circumstance ... when I continue to validate my purpose and uniqueness, I can achieve what I set out to do ... it all lies with in my faith, belief, conviction. Thought is matter ... all matter has it's roots in thought. You can't see air, thought or your soul ... but they are there. you can however, use your vessel to create those thoughts. if your thoughts limit you ... you will be limited.. if they empower you, you will be powerful.... it is difficult to be positive as it goes against what we are taught, yet through faith and hope we feed our spirits to transcend those teachings ... trust in love, trust in purpose ... trust in Yourself..We want so to fit yet we must fit into our own space, not another's ... we can achieve greater goals if we function well as a unique individual that's part of a whole ... each contributing their gifts synergistically ... we each have a part, specifically for us to perform... I used to spend so much time trying to figure out what I was going to be.. what was my purpose? I had to know that slot so I could fit or else I would be failing and lost but now I see that I was there all along, it was to be me and do the very best I could at existing within my skin ... which includes expressing who I am and celebrating my uniqueness.. I AM... I exist... I am complete in that so where I go from there is my choice ... tomorrow is not a guarantee yet provides potential for my growth ... we cannot expect fulfillment if we don't recognize the responsibility to think for ourselves... Positively think for ourselves ... my desire ...now ..., is to start deprogramming what i am not and can't do and to start functioning wholly as ME with undaunted hope, faith and belief in my purpose so i can be a more effective part of the whole; with out belief in myself and a feeling of worth, i cannot function properly in the big picture.. i am affected by life's situations but how i choose to affect another is my own choice ... we are often let down by another and their failure to meet our expectations.. yet i don't believe our expectations should be on another.. why should we expect another to conform to our thought patterns ... should they not arrive when they are ready, if they ever arrive, maybe it's not their path? wouldn't it make sense to work on finding the positive in our situations, to exceed our own expectations for ourselves, which should be limitless ... as I AM, WE ARE...all one, yet no one is exactly the same...so we should work on our own expectations for ourselves as we only have control over our own thoughts and decisions not another's... i won't be let down if i am not placing my wishes for what i think is right on another ... we all have to progress at our own pace... I can offer support and love, yet we are all ultimately responsible for our own growth, thusly endorsing freewill.. we can teach another to communicate but experience has to be lived on our own ... then it becomes you and will aid in your development ... competition and conformity = trying to be better that another at being the same..... creativity and nonconformity = being you as only you can, don't be seduced by another's path... Use the Power accessible to all to achieve your success ... in the beginning there was the Word = thought= consciousness ... and that carried out with conviction and faith= manifestation ... what have you manifested? those have been your thoughts ... even the underlying tiny thoughts are powerful
b
Friday, September 16, 2005
utah rocks
well, the day is done, almost... i am done working.
I couldn't have asked for a better way to get through an otherwise miserable situation. The students were awesome and so thankful for me to be here and just gushing with love and kindness. It was all around pure light energy. Wonderful connection, lots of hugs and thank yous. Nobody breathing down my neck about getting more people done. I stayed well over my call time and then when it was time for me to "just say no" I rolled cones for the students that wanted henna and gave them a quick lesson on how to apply and aftercare sheets so they could draw on each other. Probably gave out 12 oz in free henna. It felt good to make them happy. I was tired and cramping and just couldn't stay and do it any longer but they were really appreciative of what i had to offer. I was appreciative of the student body for being such a healing element :)
it was all good, henna is all good :)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/barbee/sets/961382/
only took a few photos
people were remarking on how steady my hands were and precision etc... i was laughing, as i was really shaking and not steady at all, but to them, it seemed steady. I know it's not my normal chops, but i was happy to be able to apply henna at all. I was pretty nervous that I wouldn't be able to give them my best, but i gave them the best that i could at that moment and it meant the world to them. That is the beautiful thing about energy, you give your best and purest energy and perfection doesn't matter, people are more excited about the connection and remember the moment, now how perfect the design was. yay healing. yay all of you, my beautiful family :)
namaste
barbee
_________________
live, love, BE!
I couldn't have asked for a better way to get through an otherwise miserable situation. The students were awesome and so thankful for me to be here and just gushing with love and kindness. It was all around pure light energy. Wonderful connection, lots of hugs and thank yous. Nobody breathing down my neck about getting more people done. I stayed well over my call time and then when it was time for me to "just say no" I rolled cones for the students that wanted henna and gave them a quick lesson on how to apply and aftercare sheets so they could draw on each other. Probably gave out 12 oz in free henna. It felt good to make them happy. I was tired and cramping and just couldn't stay and do it any longer but they were really appreciative of what i had to offer. I was appreciative of the student body for being such a healing element :)
it was all good, henna is all good :)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/barbee/sets/961382/
only took a few photos
people were remarking on how steady my hands were and precision etc... i was laughing, as i was really shaking and not steady at all, but to them, it seemed steady. I know it's not my normal chops, but i was happy to be able to apply henna at all. I was pretty nervous that I wouldn't be able to give them my best, but i gave them the best that i could at that moment and it meant the world to them. That is the beautiful thing about energy, you give your best and purest energy and perfection doesn't matter, people are more excited about the connection and remember the moment, now how perfect the design was. yay healing. yay all of you, my beautiful family :)
namaste
barbee
_________________
live, love, BE!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
My heart gently weeps
The Great American Journal
i am lying in bed, with a hot water bottle resting on my stomach. My body is hurting because I am miscarrying. I have three healthy kids and never have knowingly gone through this before, I say knowingly, because it is entirely possible that i have but didn't know it. I had missed my period and have been under enormous amounts of stress that I have so expertly internalized and now I am bearing the fruit of that. It startes with a blackish mucas like plug, last night. I couldn't sleep and finally i let go of this gooey stuff and thought, yay, my period has come, not. I am a hair shy of 40 and really did not welcome the idea of having child number 4, alas, I am not one that can deal with the abortion concept. It is not a judgement for anyone else that makes that choice, I would just have a difficult time, living with that decision. After I found a tampon, I had noticed that only moments later, it had soaked through but not with blood, i had water dripping down my legs. This was unusual. I then put two and two together. I lost my plug and then my water broke and I was having a baby, just 7 months early. I laid in bed with my hot water bottle and faced the cramps/contractions until finally i was able to sleep. I really had no idea what to expect from this situation. I had not wanted to go through parenting one more time but i had come to terms with it, it is what it is and whatever is my path, i will deal. I was not prepared for the emotional aftermath. I was sobbing and felt guilty and selfish for not wanting another child. I was unprepared for the fragility that hasn't really gone. I was kind of hoping that when I got up I would be back to normal, kinf of like I am after the first day of having my period, but this is a different ballgame. I don't feel guilty anymore, I feel numb, tired, uncomfortable but determined to keep moving. It IS what it is and I will make it through.
I am currently in Minnessota for a 5 hour layover before i get to utah to do a gig for tomorrow. The plane ride was brutal and the flight attendents caught on that i was less than well and were very nice and made me tea and tried to make me as comfortable as possible. One had even called me back in the back and told me she had been through a few miscarraiges and was very supportive. I was seated next to my travel angel who after getting off the flight brought me into the Northwest Club so I could have a comfortable place to stay for five hours. I had mentioned in conversation that my dad and i used to wait in there as he was always a member but he had passed away so that was no longer and option. She, without missing a beat, said that she was a member and would make sure I got in and had a comfortable place to stay. So, even in the wake of something seemingly really uncomfortable and emotionally straining, there were little blessings popping up. There are always blessings just have to open our eyes,ears and mouths to recognize them.
I feel like crap today. I have a low grade temp and want to just sleep, but that is not an option, so instead, I will edit some pics from last nights show and move on.
I did phone my doctor while on the runway and she was surprised to here i was on plane, off to a job and suggested I get to a hosptial in utah or at least have a follow up when i return. I mentioned that I didn't have insurance and would have to let nature take it's course. If things get ugly then I will have to go to the doctor and figure out what to do from there, but there is always the chance that nature will balance itself out on it's own and i can not have to deal with D N C's and doctor visits etc... They don't understand, I am SuperBarbee, I have shit to do and will get it done, regardless of the obstacles placed before me. I was born sans sugar daddy, therefore I have to make this life happen.
I really would like to belong to one of these airline clubs, as much as I travel, it sure would make things nicer... but I don't have that kind of extra cash to work with at the moment :)
Here's to brighter moments :)
namaste
Sunday, September 11, 2005
too cute to cry
On Friday, May 30, 2003, at 07:15 AM, barbee wrote:
picture this.... a bald chick with henna tattoos all over her head, plaid shorts and a white baby tee with "heartbreakers" on the front, biking in the rain with a big box so intricately woven to the back (AKA rigged like a mutha) dodging monster trucks and SUVs that don't want to yield cuz they might spill their coffee or have to end that phone call or worse turn of the TV ... but nay i force on with my trusty steed (AKA archaic Fuji) and we will go through rain, sleet, hail or snow to get the clients emergency overnight henna to them STAT!
it's OK that my ancient jeep has rolled over and breathed it's last breath this blood courses with determination and my will is made of concrete ... yes the major highways and industrial roads offer some challenge but i laugh in the face of danger and besides this week i am too cute to cry ;)
xo
b
picture this.... a bald chick with henna tattoos all over her head, plaid shorts and a white baby tee with "heartbreakers" on the front, biking in the rain with a big box so intricately woven to the back (AKA rigged like a mutha) dodging monster trucks and SUVs that don't want to yield cuz they might spill their coffee or have to end that phone call or worse turn of the TV ... but nay i force on with my trusty steed (AKA archaic Fuji) and we will go through rain, sleet, hail or snow to get the clients emergency overnight henna to them STAT!
it's OK that my ancient jeep has rolled over and breathed it's last breath this blood courses with determination and my will is made of concrete ... yes the major highways and industrial roads offer some challenge but i laugh in the face of danger and besides this week i am too cute to cry ;)
xo
b
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