life and our tribes

I have spent so much time in the last months in a mental whirlwind, trying to determine how to live in my craziness. Why do I feel so much emotion and for what purpose must I express myself? would it not be much easier to step in time and follow the beaten path, ease my troubled mind with conformity? Medicate ... follow ... don't ask questions? NO ... this is clearly not my path because in spite of the torment that is constantly present to follow your own way, I still continue on. From birth we breach the veil that separates the super conscious from the conscious and live our life seeking to find our origin and it has always been within ... to some the veil is an iron wall, impenetrable ... to others it is and accessible mist ... yet it is still the same veil, one we must cross when we enter this body and leave .... two words that changed my life when i realized their simplicity and their magnitude... I AM... from the smallest to the greatest...
I AM ... product of my programming ... what i believe has been formed by what I have been taught yet I have the CHOICE to believe differently and question what i have been taught ... perhaps when we are born into our bodies without memories of our own identities, we feel the need to belong and fit and so our journey starts by trying to fit in with our tribes.. so we start on our conformity journey and it is endorsed by those seeking to do the same ... fit ... how and why should we fit into a generic mold when we were specifically designed differently down to our DNA.... if such care was taken to make us unique, should we not explore that uniqueness and work with it instead of trying to compete at being better than another at being someone else, the "right" way ... we spend so much time trying to "fit" and fit this one size fits all mold and lose sight of our own uniqueness and what is like to just BE ... just the fact that I AM is important enough... i have purpose ... that's why I AM still here ... if we could focus on our own beauty, use our own gifts and recognize our own identity, we would be much more effective as a whole ... we are part of Higher Power, God, Collective Consciousness that is Unlimited in Power yet we convince ourselves we are powerless pawns set out to stumble on this gameboard of life ... but what if power is unlimited and neither good or bad but based on your perception of same.... perhaps good and evil are just different frequencies, and our desire to avoid pain leads us to seek higher frequency. we need all levels so we can grow.... pain leads you to seek higher frequency and through this you develop....will you not manifest what you believe ... if i unleash the idea that i am powerless i will indeed manifest this as thoughts are energy...What you create is up to you ... it is linked to the thought behind it, where it leads you, therein lies your lesson ... then you progress or regress....Thought is eternal, manifestation requires you to carry it out... I AM so simple so encompassing, transcending all religion... I AM in a human cloak, for experience of physical life with all it's emotions ... yet not all will choose to accept this notion and that is our choice ... but I ponder ... if we are spirit or energy embodied in flesh...should I still not consist of the Power that I was fashioned from? Am I not the same energy with different clothes? Yet I will still labor on the negative programming.. it is rooted deeply and created much of my mania and circumstance ... when I continue to validate my purpose and uniqueness, I can achieve what I set out to do ... it all lies with in my faith, belief, conviction. Thought is matter ... all matter has it's roots in thought. You can't see air, thought or your soul ... but they are there. you can however, use your vessel to create those thoughts. if your thoughts limit you ... you will be limited.. if they empower you, you will be powerful.... it is difficult to be positive as it goes against what we are taught, yet through faith and hope we feed our spirits to transcend those teachings ... trust in love, trust in purpose ... trust in Yourself..We want so to fit yet we must fit into our own space, not another's ... we can achieve greater goals if we function well as a unique individual that's part of a whole ... each contributing their gifts synergistically ... we each have a part, specifically for us to perform... I used to spend so much time trying to figure out what I was going to be.. what was my purpose? I had to know that slot so I could fit or else I would be failing and lost but now I see that I was there all along, it was to be me and do the very best I could at existing within my skin ... which includes expressing who I am and celebrating my uniqueness.. I AM... I exist... I am complete in that so where I go from there is my choice ... tomorrow is not a guarantee yet provides potential for my growth ... we cannot expect fulfillment if we don't recognize the responsibility to think for ourselves... Positively think for ourselves ... my desire ...now ..., is to start deprogramming what i am not and can't do and to start functioning wholly as ME with undaunted hope, faith and belief in my purpose so i can be a more effective part of the whole; with out belief in myself and a feeling of worth, i cannot function properly in the big picture.. i am affected by life's situations but how i choose to affect another is my own choice ... we are often let down by another and their failure to meet our expectations.. yet i don't believe our expectations should be on another.. why should we expect another to conform to our thought patterns ... should they not arrive when they are ready, if they ever arrive, maybe it's not their path? wouldn't it make sense to work on finding the positive in our situations, to exceed our own expectations for ourselves, which should be limitless ... as I AM, WE ARE...all one, yet no one is exactly the same...so we should work on our own expectations for ourselves as we only have control over our own thoughts and decisions not another's... i won't be let down if i am not placing my wishes for what i think is right on another ... we all have to progress at our own pace... I can offer support and love, yet we are all ultimately responsible for our own growth, thusly endorsing freewill.. we can teach another to communicate but experience has to be lived on our own ... then it becomes you and will aid in your development ... competition and conformity = trying to be better that another at being the same..... creativity and nonconformity = being you as only you can, don't be seduced by another's path... Use the Power accessible to all to achieve your success ... in the beginning there was the Word = thought= consciousness ... and that carried out with conviction and faith= manifestation ... what have you manifested? those have been your thoughts ... even the underlying tiny thoughts are powerful
b

utah rocks

well, the day is done, almost... i am done working.
I couldn't have asked for a better way to get through an otherwise miserable situation. The students were awesome and so thankful for me to be here and just gushing with love and kindness. It was all around pure light energy. Wonderful connection, lots of hugs and thank yous. Nobody breathing down my neck about getting more people done. I stayed well over my call time and then when it was time for me to "just say no" I rolled cones for the students that wanted henna and gave them a quick lesson on how to apply and aftercare sheets so they could draw on each other. Probably gave out 12 oz in free henna. It felt good to make them happy. I was tired and cramping and just couldn't stay and do it any longer but they were really appreciative of what i had to offer. I was appreciative of the student body for being such a healing element :)
it was all good, henna is all good :)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/barbee/sets/961382/

only took a few photos

people were remarking on how steady my hands were and precision etc... i was laughing, as i was really shaking and not steady at all, but to them, it seemed steady. I know it's not my normal chops, but i was happy to be able to apply henna at all. I was pretty nervous that I wouldn't be able to give them my best, but i gave them the best that i could at that moment and it meant the world to them. That is the beautiful thing about energy, you give your best and purest energy and perfection doesn't matter, people are more excited about the connection and remember the moment, now how perfect the design was. yay healing. yay all of you, my beautiful family :)

namaste
barbee
_________________
live, love, BE!

My heart gently weeps

The Great American Journal

i am lying in bed, with a hot water bottle resting on my stomach. My body is hurting because I am miscarrying. I have three healthy kids and never have knowingly gone through this before, I say knowingly, because it is entirely possible that i have but didn't know it. I had missed my period and have been under enormous amounts of stress that I have so expertly internalized and now I am bearing the fruit of that. It startes with a blackish mucas like plug, last night. I couldn't sleep and finally i let go of this gooey stuff and thought, yay, my period has come, not. I am a hair shy of 40 and really did not welcome the idea of having child number 4, alas, I am not one that can deal with the abortion concept. It is not a judgement for anyone else that makes that choice, I would just have a difficult time, living with that decision. After I found a tampon, I had noticed that only moments later, it had soaked through but not with blood, i had water dripping down my legs. This was unusual. I then put two and two together. I lost my plug and then my water broke and I was having a baby, just 7 months early. I laid in bed with my hot water bottle and faced the cramps/contractions until finally i was able to sleep. I really had no idea what to expect from this situation. I had not wanted to go through parenting one more time but i had come to terms with it, it is what it is and whatever is my path, i will deal. I was not prepared for the emotional aftermath. I was sobbing and felt guilty and selfish for not wanting another child. I was unprepared for the fragility that hasn't really gone. I was kind of hoping that when I got up I would be back to normal, kinf of like I am after the first day of having my period, but this is a different ballgame. I don't feel guilty anymore, I feel numb, tired, uncomfortable but determined to keep moving. It IS what it is and I will make it through.
I am currently in Minnessota for a 5 hour layover before i get to utah to do a gig for tomorrow. The plane ride was brutal and the flight attendents caught on that i was less than well and were very nice and made me tea and tried to make me as comfortable as possible. One had even called me back in the back and told me she had been through a few miscarraiges and was very supportive. I was seated next to my travel angel who after getting off the flight brought me into the Northwest Club so I could have a comfortable place to stay for five hours. I had mentioned in conversation that my dad and i used to wait in there as he was always a member but he had passed away so that was no longer and option. She, without missing a beat, said that she was a member and would make sure I got in and had a comfortable place to stay. So, even in the wake of something seemingly really uncomfortable and emotionally straining, there were little blessings popping up. There are always blessings just have to open our eyes,ears and mouths to recognize them.
I feel like crap today. I have a low grade temp and want to just sleep, but that is not an option, so instead, I will edit some pics from last nights show and move on.
I did phone my doctor while on the runway and she was surprised to here i was on plane, off to a job and suggested I get to a hosptial in utah or at least have a follow up when i return. I mentioned that I didn't have insurance and would have to let nature take it's course. If things get ugly then I will have to go to the doctor and figure out what to do from there, but there is always the chance that nature will balance itself out on it's own and i can not have to deal with D N C's and doctor visits etc... They don't understand, I am SuperBarbee, I have shit to do and will get it done, regardless of the obstacles placed before me. I was born sans sugar daddy, therefore I have to make this life happen.
I really would like to belong to one of these airline clubs, as much as I travel, it sure would make things nicer... but I don't have that kind of extra cash to work with at the moment :)

Here's to brighter moments :)
namaste

too cute to cry

On Friday, May 30, 2003, at 07:15 AM, barbee wrote:



picture this.... a bald chick with henna tattoos all over her head, plaid shorts and a white baby tee with "heartbreakers" on the front, biking in the rain with a big box so intricately woven to the back (AKA rigged like a mutha) dodging monster trucks and SUVs that don't want to yield cuz they might spill their coffee or have to end that phone call or worse turn of the TV ... but nay i force on with my trusty steed (AKA archaic Fuji) and we will go through rain, sleet, hail or snow to get the clients emergency overnight henna to them STAT!
it's OK that my ancient jeep has rolled over and breathed it's last breath this blood courses with determination and my will is made of concrete ... yes the major highways and industrial roads offer some challenge but i laugh in the face of danger and besides this week i am too cute to cry ;)
xo
b

House checked, zero dead

House checked, zero dead
Originally uploaded by Tampen.

what an image, what a job

meet the artist

meet the artist
Originally uploaded by barbee.

my interview for orlando city beat came out today.
it was nicely done.
it is nice when positive news makes it and when people care enough about what other people are doing and write about it and read it, connection is nice.

don't tell me nonsense

on someone questioning your worth based on their perception of what is valuable.....
it doesn't matter, to me.... whether or not i make sense to you ...whether you understand my life or purpose .... i know who i am, what i have to offer...and how i relate to my community.... i know how i relate, by communication..... regardless... we all have our own perceptions and our own lessons..which cannot be confused with another's

valley of dehydration

valley of dehydration
Originally uploaded by barbee.

I had just driven all night while the rest of the fam tried to catch some winks in the car and we arrived at the petrified forest right as it opened. I reall had no idea what to expect. I did have a few small petrified logs at home and knew what that meant, but I was not prepared for what i was to see. I somehow was expecting a forest of standing trees that where petrifed, and by that no.... i don'tmean afraid!:)
what I saw was mind boggling, we wandered around as the morning sun glared on the bright, reflective surface. e ground was so hot, that the asphalt had melted under the car tires. The park was huge! it consisted of vast desert, the "badlands" and miles and miles of petrified wood. The wood has actually turned to stone and you can view so many levels of color. The mountains had covered forests and buried them and as they lay hidden from the outside world, they fossilized and actually crystalized and turned to glorious shades of stone. As the mountains erode they would yeild gifts of stone that would roll down the mountain and split open to show it's slpendor. On the top of the mountains, you can see into the painted desert and seea pleete of outrageous colors. I went down in the basin of the mountains and there felt this overwhlming sense of being surrounded. It's wasn't a bad feeling but more of a feeling of the ancients in the misdt. I simply could not get enough photographs and was running around taking pictures as fast as I could. It soon dawned on me that I was fully clothed in a jacket and hat, as I was pretty sunburned and didn't want to have blisters, and that I was alone. I was ok with that but the fact that I was running and didn't have any water with me, I started to come to my current reality and that was, I was WAY dehydrated and had a long way to go to get back up to the car. I heard voices but no people were there, I felt conversations from the mountains surrounding me. I told myself that regardless of the fact my heart was racing, I was overheated and dehydrated, I simply had to make it back. I started to slow down and focus on my breathing and set my will and determination on destination, CAR! When I did return, nobody in my family knew what was going on with me and Scotty came up to meet me and I literally could not speak, just breathe. I got back to the freestar and ripped off my coverings and poured bottles of cold water on my head and started driking like an enormous dried sponge in a rainstorm. When I finally regained my strength and voice I had to laugh at myself. I was invincable! runniong in the desert???? who the??? what the??? i was a bad ass in the bad lands ;)
well, until i almost passed out. I learned to always have water after that and not be fooled by the dry desert heat, it will sneak up, even on super heros!

found this today

=(
Originally uploaded by Umm_ELdwais.

saaw this photo and just had to save it, sometimes, the why needs to be figured out... sometimes the why will unfold into a story of lessons available for everyone to learn from, who will accept that call, who will ask questions deep within themselves and find out what they must learn, who will step aside from their ego and know there is always more to learn and more chances to evolve? i can be that who.

us

us
Originally uploaded by Rosie O'Donnell.

what an amazing shot of two people with very strong dynamic, and free spirit
namaste you two :)
barbee

slow down, you move to fast now...

DSCN3780
Originally uploaded by barbee.

i am rushing around today trying to get out for an appointment and it seems that things are popping up in my way to get me out the door, so I bump into a box loaded with austrian crystals and they dumpallover my floor all assorted sized, which of course is making me later, fortunately instead of stressing, I laugh and bend down to pick them up.As i am picking them up, i realize my lesson today is to not stress about the current obstacles or the how am i going to do this, but to drop expectations, led be the ego and out my energy in the present moment. Put your energy in what is at hand,and be assured that the next moment,if afforded will provide it's own sulotions, but the more we try to bustle and mold the current now to suit our "i" needs, the more obstalces and dissapointment we will encounter... slow down, breathe and live the moment

Racism

Racism
Originally uploaded by dustin3000.

sad

bing and jae key west wedding memories

bing and jae key west wedding memories 547
Originally uploaded by barbee.

this is my friend bing and myself
he is dynamic, amazing energy
gilled with passion, love, life, laughter and exuberence
everytime we meet, which is only on occaision, we both just embrace, jump up and down and gutterly scream with glee
such old souls, such a connection
joy

insane

insane
Originally uploaded by barbee.

i just ran across this photo taken of me last year in key west... we were down there for a wedding and SO out of control! we gotin trouble EVERYWHERE!! we got in trouble in this sam outdoor cafe for spilling water on each other....SPILLING WATER!!! IN KEY WEST!!!/????? WHAT THE????? anyway i met some wonderful people,and those relationships have maintained and i am so thankful for that whole story.... I still remember how incredibly hard I laughed the entire time we were there, can't remember laughing that hard since. The funny thing is, that there was also some reallypainful garbagethat I was going through at the same time and yet I still remember this part of it as what sticks out in my mind. I got through the pain and garbage and in the end all was better than alright...so my lesson today is.... all will be alright:)

Katrina

Katrina
Originally uploaded by DJOG.

this is heading toward louisiana right now and it is blowing me away,pardon the pun.
we got hit a few times last year and i had to get my family out when i was touring.
a repost from last august...
soooo... henna this week on tour, someting has died in the car, we have to have a search and destroy mission...the breaks are metal on metal and that is not good considering we have to drive to IL, in a few days...no news on what the back up plan is, argh if we have to try to carpool, that may send my pregnant henna sister to a whole new level of hormonally insane, be very afraid...simon...very afraid.... i saved the hotel clerk, i can only do so much, i am one woman......I DID.... get my mom the last flight out of orlando and a hotel room in dc, so she is safe and i spent 4 hours doing so, my son and hubby are in a barely crawling parking lot (aka highway) trying to get out of town because armegeddon is headed toward our home... and the cats have peed and pooped in the car, so, you might say, this week has has it own special surprises...still.. got family and friends and cats hanging at the suite and soon it will be time to be off to IL... I have a bit of insomnia tonight, as well as every night,I have a good attitude about this storm business and am happy I was able to get friends and famly out, but yet my other two kids are in west palm and my daughte called me at 2;00 a bit scared and not able to sleep and i tried to assure her that the universe had got her back and she is way to important to have anything happen to her, and i loved her with all my heart! This strom is crazy as it is taking 2/3 days to pass through, and it is just as strong , just really slow moving, some major psychologial damage going on with that, even if the red sea does part and my house is ok, the rest of the city will be toast and unlivable, so i am really considering relocating, don't know where yet, but we will se where the wind takes us... so to speak...


this could be written by anyone... and yet it was by me and i understand that sense of crazy that you are plagued with... when I did return home my city, which hadn't gotten the worst of it, was in shambles and looked like it was war torn, my friend's house was completely blown away, she actually just moved in her new mobile home today. New orleans is not the cleanest city around so imagine all the pollutants, even just the contains of one's bathroom, detergents, cleaners, paints, will be a new toxic wasteland. I tell you the conspiritorists that say the weather is controlled to jack up gas etc... as crazy as it sounds, doesn't sound so crazy. How can you poke holes in the atmosphere and not affect it? Alas, those questions may not be answered but the true looming threat of big change and cleansing is afoot... i send solace to you New Orleans and safety and love.

post one, yup the first one!

ok, i have started, here goes...welcome!!! through my little journey i will be taking you back and forth in time and adding pics to go along with entries. this is for a book that will be published and it's purpose is to bring our community together by letting the world inside our lives for just a month.the journal will continue past a month but a months worth of journaling will be passed on to the next person... i will fill you in with specifics, later.... the point is to allow us to peek and relate or not relate but to understand how we are alike as a community despite our known differences.so here goes... you are welcome to comment, but please keep the vibe positive, there is enough negativity abounding, this project is to find positive resolve or encouragement...
namaste
b

playa caps

playa caps
Originally uploaded by barbee.

I needed some levity after this whole robbery thing and when I stayed in melbourne, driving around, listening to the new black eyed pea album, i noticed these tires and it was just too perfect! I had my friend back up so I could take a picture and in that picture I got this great rflection of the the street... a picture inside a picture. Even in it's humor I recognized that it was evident, that yes, I had been played but I needed to see the picture inside the picture and remember to laugh :)

me, done surfin

me, done surfin
Originally uploaded by barbee.

I surfed for the first time and was so excited! My friend and I had a henna gig which has promising results for oodles of cash "Teen Fest" but which yeilded very little. We got out late $20 in hand and I stayed in Melbourne with her.I was taking pictures, as usual and they urged me to come try out the surfing thing. I put my camera down and got on the boadr, the high performance boad to boot and before I knew it, i was surfing! NO WAY! I actually was surfing! I grew up on the beach in a condo 13 stories up in the air for much of my life and had been taken under the water a few times too many so I had some drowning fears and fear of hights etc, but i did it and I was SOOOO addicted! I figured, if I lived on the beach again, I would want to surf EVERYDAY!!! and would probably do little elese! It also is quite a workout and in this pic I was spent! You use so many of your muscle groups and it takes a lot of energy to keep paddleing out and to manage your board over the oncoming waves. My stomach muscles got quite a workout, i got a few bruises, not from falling but getting on the board. Nothing hurt, it was amazing! I got as far as hands and feet riding the waves in but didn't quite make it fully standing on just two feet, with no hands. I wanted to master it and go pro ;) but I was just too exhausted! I just wanted to go take a shower and lay down! UNtil the next time!!!

home again...what? we've been robbed???

I have returned home from an amazing journey across the US. 26 states and 3 countries in our rental ford freestar. When we get back at o dark hundred... we settle down and pass out after shaking off the constant vibration in our bodies that now seems to be permanent. Upon our awakening, we find that our quiet little home has been disrupted. We have been robbed, no forced entry, not our whole home and all it's effects but all of our dvd's and my son's video games as well as our friends dvds and video games. We had taken a few with us, so what was taken was deliberate, so as not to take empty boxes. I asked my friend, who I had left the key with if she knew anything about it and she knew nothing and had seen nothing. Before we left this person had asked to stay a few days and was supposed to be gone before we were, yet upon the time to leave things were not working out as she had anticipated and we were off. She was supposed to leave a key with my house sitter but ended up telling her she was moving in and I knew about it. So much deception was already happening and we knew of none of it. Stories were coming back about the condition of our home and yet, despite all of this... the person at my home has been a friend for many years and never would i think she would harm me. Veering away from al the specifics, I will break it down for you... trusted friend, moves in, on her own volition, makes me believe she is homeless, jobless and kicked out of her residence and I am trying to be compassionate... so I lend a hand. Now there are police reports to fill out, investigators to speak with, charges to press and lesson to learn. I am advised my the offficer I filed the report with to have a hard heart and not show compassion for the world in which we live in is callus and I will always be the victim. I tell him that I cannot live my life like that. A life without heart is not worth living, to me. I know we have been the target of another's poor intentions but a victim... i don't think so. The situation is painful and sucks but it certainly has lessons for all involved and we all have the opportunity to learn from this, if we so desire. Or, the other option is to say, "Poor me, why me....why...why...why...life is not fair...etc..." NO! life is not fair, fair doesn't enter the equation but in every situation we do have the opportunity to choose our perceptions and what we derive from our situations. It makes me sad when my son wants to see a dvd or play a video game and it has been pawned and I have been through the different levels of emotion, but i have to stop and realize there are lessons for him too. He actually is taking it pretty well, no tears but kind of matter of fact, "oh, yeah... it was stolen". To date, there is no conclusive proof that the friend "did" it but I find it hard to believe she didn't know anything about it or do it. She has looked me in the eyes on several occasion with no remorse and lied to me, so I am at a place where I believe nothing that comes out of her mouth. She either did it or had a hand in it. She was the only one here that had the time, motive and ability to do so... with the exception of the friends she allowed in the home. SO now I have to press charges against someone I care about because I HAVE TO!!! I can't enable people to continue to hurt others. Life will no doubt become more interesting as information comes in. The immediate information that has come to me already is nauseating and yet necessary for closure and to help me not feel remorse for pressing charges. I had believed in her character and was shown differently and I am not that easily fooled. I usually read people's energy very well and yet... this was allowed to happen, which further endorses my belief that it is purposeful and to be learned from.

on that note, i dug this up in my journal
November 01, 2003 - 07:29 PM
rose

I consider a rose ... this is a flower we attribute with love, passion, tenderness ... yet if you look closely it is a thorny branch, very painful if you get too close. if you look closer there is the tiny tender bud waiting to unfold an amazing creation. as it matures it's perfect. soft ... fragrant.. petals await to engage you ... eventually the petals will fall and dry and go away.... yet the beauty of the rose, the moment of it's engaging presence leaves it's memory.... yet physically, all that is left is the thorny branch.... but in the garden of my soul among all the thorny branches are always new buds of tenderness, passion, compassion, connection
and I seek to notice them and tend to them so they might flourish and unfold their magnificent gifts

whitney's back...in action

whitney's back
Originally uploaded by barbee.

this is my first henna tattoo after a long hiatus. I was nervous because I hadn't been drawing for several months but I had a call and needed to get those chops back up so I not feel so uneasy about accepting a job :) I know I have it in me and I know I will bring creative energy to the table when called to, yet I start that doubting my ablitites thing and then start to trip and question whether I have any talent at all. In this world of what have you done for me lately, I sometimes feel a fraud and that I will soon be discovered for my inablities. Not that I am copying another's work but that mine is really not good enough to be valuable. I then have to move on from that idea and remember that it doesn't matter who likes it or gets it but that I am expressing my creative energy... and then you know.... bizarre stuff comes in and people end up validating me, or tell me I inspire them.... and then I feel that if I can inspre just one person to express.... I have done my job.... until the next moment of self doubt, then the cycle begins again :)